Would i say that i am troubled....

yeh.

the smallest of things annoy me. It needs not be humans but disorganized patterns, wet leaves, wet dirty paper on street corners, mud under shoes, spots that are not ordered consecutively, uneven pavements on sidewalks. its insane. that shit annoys me to the point that i can feel ill. I haven't found out why. neither do i try. maybe it is this constant need to control or be in control of. whatever it is...its on my list of "does this make me crazy?" i cant wait till shit is done because im tired of running. it isnt fun neither would i wish it on anybody. your mind can only take so much pressure and bs before it literally numbs itself to everything around it. it ends up not being about being conscious of your surroundings but wanting to eliminate everything around you just so you could breathe. Conciousness ends up not being what i want. its almost like bull shitting yourself to some degree bc once you snap back to reality you still have to confront the bull shit. one of the greatest things i learned in 2009 was the fact that, denial doesn't work. i hate bull shit. i may have used that far too many times in this post but im sooooo tired of it. i just want to exist in time and not think. that's what i want for everyday after my birthday. i fucking hate having to have to think. why not i just exist in space and simply enjoy what exists in the moment saying fuck you to pressure, time, competition, success/failure & everything else that "life" has to give. so, would i say that i am troubled...yes. yes. am i crazy? maybe that is too drastic of a word.